The Daily Weather

Meteorology makes no sense to me, and I want to be a Meteorologist.

I watch the Weather channel every day, and I'm amazed on a weekly basis. Firstly, we have an entire channel dedicated to weather, and out of an hour we watch maybe half an hour of advertisements, and then half an hour of weather predictions that have been pulled out of someone's ass. I'd try to count the ways in which my Weather Channel scares the living frogshit out of me, but I don't have enough fingers. (Not because there are necessarily many, it's just that I operate heavy and explosive machinery with my bare hands as a hobby.)

1. "Here is the weather for the next two weeks."
I can't remember the last time any Meteorologist has predicted the weather two weeks from now and has gotten it right. You can watch the two-weekly predictions and they'd be about as consistent as the thoughts of a bi-polar schizophrenic with down's syndrome in the middle of a fireworks display. "Next Tuesday it'll be sunny, no, partly sunny, no, windy! There's gonna be lots of wind! No, it'll be a hurricane! Three hurricanes! A tornado! No, it's more of a cyclone! Wait, no, that's a fly on my monitor, it'll actually be a meteor strike! False alarm, it's partly cloudy. Back to you, Tom."
I don't see who really needs this kind of long-range prediction. I don't lay out my clothes for the next two weeks, and if I were planning a vacation, I wouldn't really look at the local weather anyway, because I don't vacation ten feet from my house.

2. "Here is the weather all across Canada!"

This is a waste of time and a kick in the balls. I really couldn't care less what the weather is like over in British Columbia, because I know it's always mildly whatever-it's-supposed-to-be-now. If there was such thing as having no weather at all, it'd be what British Columbia is like. I don't need to dedicate a weather channel to this. What they do, more often than not, is just say "Hey, someone's got nice weather, but it's not you."

3. "Here is all the weather on a screen. I am paid to read it."

This has always pissed me off. There's a person who gets paid very well to put on a suit and read out loud what they're already showing you on the screen. You don't need to say "Partly cloudy, 12 degrees" because I've got at least one functional eye, I can see the screen. I don't care about "here is a cold front playing Kickball with a warm front making a tornado on Newfoundland's face" because you've already got a picture of a tornado up, and I have enough of an imagination to envision the swirls and the floating bathtubs and the people with trees sticking out of their ears floating in midair on a cushion made of wind and severed water pipes.

4. "Here is the weather, right now."

Alright, I understand some people might live in a house with a TV, but no thermometers, windows, or doors. (I suppose if you spent your life in a broom closet, this might be relevant.) So, they'd turn on the T.V. and see "oh, today the sun is out, and it's fourteen degrees! I'll wear a light sweater and my baseball cap with the picture of a bear shitting on a leprechaun." And then they'd go outside and it'd be four degrees, and it'd be the cloudiest, grayest, most depressing day on record.
That's right, sometimes the weather channel doesn't even know what the weather is like right now.
I don't even know how to respond to that. It's like going to an audition to be a juggling trapeze artist for a traveling circus, and clearly demonstrating that you lack the motor skills to wipe your own ass.

5. "Here's what the temperature would have been if..."

Humidex and Windchill are two things that don't make a lot of sense to me. First off, if Humidity is reflected in the Humidex, then the wind should be reflected in the Windex. Last time I saw anything reflected in my Windex was when there was a fine layer of it on my bathroom mirror, which has nothing to do with the weather channel.
I really don't understand why they say things like "The temperature is 5 degrees, but with the windchill, it's -4." or "The temperature is 21 degrees, but with the humidex, it's 3482 multiplied by the surface temperature of the sun divided by the number of times you thought it'd be a great idea to put deodorant on your balls"
Well, I don't really care about what it is, I care about what it feels like. Because when I get dressed in the morning, I dress according to what it feels like, not what it would have felt like if the wind suddenly stopped for no reason or if the relative humidity suddenly dropped to something a little more reasonable."

I suppose if I were a meteorologist, I'd see things differently. Then again, if I were a meteorologist I'd be getting paid six figures a year to be less accurate than a coin flip. Achievement unlocked.